Sibling Rivalry in Sports:When the Youngest Gets Overlooked

Heather, the first-born, was involved in everything: swimming, tennis, piano. Robby, number two, followed right along, adding baseball and gymnastics and keeping the family minivan in motion every minute of the week. Mary, the third, has been to every one of her siblings' games and meets but has remained the spectator. For two seasons now, her friends have encouraged her to sign up for soccer, but she has said no. Her parents, already feeling overbooked, happily let it pass.

"The youngest grows up with some big shoes to fill," says Smith. "The older children can do everything: They can run and jump before the youngest can walk. The youngest starts out with a different deck."

In addition to feeling as if he or she can't possibly keep up, younger siblings sometimes feel as if no one cares if they do. "They're free, in one sense, to go their own way," says Kimidy. "The first wants to be like his parents and achieve. The second wants to shake things up.

The baby doesn't care. He says, 'I'm not going to do all this crazy stuff.' Many third children aren't pushers at their career."

Parents often energetically thrust sports and other activities upon their first children. For many reasons, from being busy to simply having a more laissez-faire attitude toward raising kids, these same parents may not be as enthusiastic about encouraging their later-borns to participate.

"What we're finding," says Smith, "is third-born kids looking back and wishing their parents had pushed them so that they could have mastered a sport."

WHAT TO DO
Provide equal time. Parents should be aware of the tendency to pay less attention to the youngest child. Although they may not have the time they once did, they should still provide support. In fact, they should realize that the last-born may need a push to step into the world of his elders.

But aren't parents advised not to push? Give a gentle push. "There's a difference in my mind between a push and a force," says Blevins. The best way to know the difference, he says, is to develop a relationship with your kids so that they can tell you how they feel. Ideally, your child could say, I would love to play this sport, but I'm afraid. Or, I don't know if I'll like it, but I'd like to try. That way, you can help them address these concerns.

The best thing you can do, says Kimidy, is to help your child find his or her own gift, whether its in sports or someplace else.